Little P

Well, it's clearly been a year and a half since I blogged. I could lie and tell you that I'm going to catch you up with a bunch of pictures, but I'm not. I don't have that kind of time. You'll just have to come visit and look at my photo albums! What's truth is that we have been BUSY, and life has changed...A LOT...since the last time I blogged. I was in a bloggy funk last year for a long time. Why? Because being a mom is HARD! No one tells you how exhaustingly fabulous it really is...or maybe they tell you, and you just can't wrap your head around it until you live it.

And I think that because of our struggle with infertility and the incredible blessing we received in our son, I felt guilty.  Guilty for having those "I am so exhausted that I can't even see straight...I want my life back!" thoughts. Because this is what I prayed for. I prayed for the crazy, the exhaustion, the joy beyond measure.  The truth is, that little guy is my SUNSHINE. His smile makes this I-am-not-a-morning-person mommy want to beam from ear to ear every morning when I heard him holler for his Daddy between 7 and 7:30 (he can say Mommy...he just doesn't...unless his Daddy makes the tragic mistake of telling him "no" one too many times).  That doesn't change the fact that sometimes I still want to take a solo tropical vacation where I have no responsibilities and no one even speaks to me. ;) So, I didn't have anything to say during those months...or, I did, but I was afraid of the judgment I would get for speaking my truth.

I am in a different place now.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.  I have learned a lot about myself in the last year and a half. A lot about my marriage. A lot about my God, who never ever stops pursuing me even when I'm way too tired to utter more than a "Thank you that your mercies are new every morning. Thank you for this blessing, and please help me not screw him up too bad. And please help me survive until Josh gets home from work. Amen."

Shall I recap the events of the last 8 months? Okay, go get your box o' tissues. No seriously, I'll wait...

Disclaimer: This is our truth. Our story. While I might be writing it here on my blog, God is our author. He has blessed us more than we could ever imagine. I'm not asking you to agree with my theology, or even to believe what I believe. I'm asking you to read our story, and if you dare, ask God how he wants to write yours. Terrifying? Yes, it is. But it's also beyond incredible when you can let go enough to say "YOUR WILL BE DONE."

If you're just now tuning in, and haven't read Asher's story, please take the time to go back and read it.  That's where God's authorship for this season of our lives begins.

When Asher was 6 months old, Josh and I felt strongly that we should start praying for the next child God would have us adopt. We asked our friends and family to pray with us...not knowing who this kid would be, how old she would be when we saw her for the first time, not knowing anything at all.  So, we prayed for her. Prayed that God would protect her from whatever she was being exposed to before we could scoop her up and protect her from the ugly of this world. That he would protect her physically, emotionally, mentally.  That she would know how much she was loved by us, even though we had no clue who she was or where she would come from. I felt so desperate when I was praying for her, and I had no idea why.

Life went on, and we continued to pray for this child (and, of course, for our little man!).  Fast forward to December 3, 2011, the day the little dude turned 11 months old.  I got a text that Sunday morning from Asher's birthmother, N,  that said "Call me when you can. We need to talk."  Josh jokingly said "What if she's pregnant? What will you say?" I told him that he was nuts, but that if God wanted us to have another baby so soon, I was all in! But, really, I was just thinking she wanted an update on him because we hadn't heard from her in almost 6 months.

I ended up talking to her for over an hour and a half about everything that had happened in her life since Asher was born. It was less than pretty, to say the least.  But, that's not my story to tell.

The part of that conversation that IS my story to tell, is that about 1 hour in, she said "oh, and I'm pregnant...with a little girl...I thought I could keep her, but I know now I can't.  She's due on April 14, and I want you all to have her so she can grow up with her brother."  I was sitting on the couch with Josh, and I yanked a post-it note out of the drawer and furiously scribbled "Baby girl, April 14, You want her?"  His eyes lit up, and he vigorously nodded YES!  So, we said "yes!" We were thrilled, and couldn't wait to tell our families!  Little did we know how much crazy was about to rain down...

So, a friend of mine made Asher a shirt to wear for Christmas saying that he was getting a sister in April. Our families were SHOCKED and thrilled for us! We were excited about planning a nursery for a baby GIRL, and about having not only adopted siblings, but birth-siblings that could grow up together! 

Then we found out a week after Christmas that Josh's job would be bringing us back home. We were so so sad to leave Chattanooga, but so happy that we would be able to raise our babies near their extended families. Leaving Chattanooga was one of the most bittersweet times in my life, and one of the hardest decisions we've had to make since we've been married.  But, God opened all the doors for us to move home, and closed every single one that would mean for us to stay, so we really had no choice...we learned a long time ago that saying no to His will never really ends well!

Then I started to panic...we didn't have a place to live, and to do a home study for an adoption, you need a HOME!!!  As always, God provided. 2/3 of our earthly possessions we put into storage and moved into this itty bitty rental house. Nice house, but itty bitty for 2 adults, 2 kiddos, and 2 furbabies!  Still, I am thankful. We made it through the home study (talk about incentive for unpacking boxes!) about a month before baby girl's due date.  That's around the time that the craziness began.

Perhaps I'm a little TOO type A.  God has been trying to teach me for years to just stop it, and leave the planning to Him. I'm a terrible listener....and apparently a slow learner....and a quick forgetter...I'm human, after all!  I digress.

Our church had a service about missions early in the spring.  I don't feel called in any way to be a missionary overseas or here in the states. But, I do feel that God has called us to share our story of infertility with anyone who will listen.  We would both hate to think we have walked this road in vain, and we want others to know they are NOT alone!  So, I prayed that God would use me, use our story, to touch someone else's life.  Satan hasn't stopped attacking my family since then.  But, you know what I have to say to that? Tetelestai...IT. IS. FINISHED.  It doesn't matter what trials come my way in this world, Jesus paid my debt in full on the cross.  With his sacrifice there, he won the war.  Now, I just have to remember to STOP FIGHTING the battles that have already been won for me....maybe someday I'll learn?  You'll see in this story that I haven't fully absorbed that lesson yet. But, I'm a work in progress.  And I'm so very thankful that God's mercies are new for me every morning!

A little more background:  N told me in our conversation on December 3rd that she had been using narcotics throughout her pregnancy with baby girl, but that she was currently clean.  Oh, well that explains why I felt so desperate when praying for this baby girl!  We met her on Christmas Day to give her gas money to get to her doctor's appointments the next week, and she got to see Asher for the first time since he was born.  My gut was saying that we shouldn't have let her see him. But, my Mommy heart won out, and I was afraid she would change her mind about baby girl if we didn't show up. So, we let her see him.

She took a picture with her cell phone, and that is something I would really REALLY come to regret letting her do. Around mid-March 2012, a friend texted me and asked why Asher's birthfather had a picture of him on his facebook page (the picture I let N take with her cell phone on Christmas day)...and why did the caption say "Asher...mine."  Um...wha?!  So, I looked this guy up, and sho 'nuf, there was the picture!  BUT, I didn't know this guy. Never heard of him.  He certainly wasn't the guy who claimed to be Asher's birthfather and signed his rights away.  So, I freaked out...then I got mad...then I freaked out some more. Then I thanked God that Asher was too little to know how mad I was, too little to understand what this could mean, and I prayed that I wouldn't do anything too stupid (i.e. land myself in jail for beating the living crap out of N or this random guy...who I later found out was her drug dealer.)  Then I decided that I could just leave the country with Asher, and it wouldn't matter if this guy tried to come after him...he would never find us.  All of this in about 45 seconds...so, Josh told me to take a deep breath (and that I watch too much TV...point taken).  So, I breathed, and cried, then I got mad some more. 

Then I got to making phone calls.  Calling in favors all over the planet to find out this guy's and N's deepest darkest secrets. Believe me, I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet...but NOBODY messes with my babies! Especially nobody who is using them as a pawn in a manipulative game with their drug dealer.  This mama don't play like that!  So, I found out more than I ever wanted to know, and filed that info away as my ace in the hole.  I was terrified of drug dealer boy...he was claiming (via his facebook page) that he was coming after Asher and wanted to be part of his life.  IF this guy was really his birthfather, he hadn't yet signed his rights away, and technically, he could do that...he could file a petition to terminate our rights and gain sole custody of MY baby boy.  To say I was a basket case would have been the understatement of the century!

So, I called N. We had a come-to-Jesus meeting about my family, our rights, our privacy, and the lengths I would go to in order to protect my son. I think she got the message loud and clear, because she was sobbing hysterically when we hung up. Was that my best moment? No. But, apparently I hadn't made that boundary clear before (even though I had tried to do so very diplomatically), and she needed to hear it in street speak before she finally understood.  After that, she called MY lawyer and confessed all her sins...that she had slept with the dealer too, and he could have been Asher's father.

Side note: I hate drugs. I really hate narcotics. I hate the control that they have on people, and the lengths people will go to get them.

Long story short, I demanded a paternity test for both Asher and baby girl. To be performed immediately after her birth. I was prepared to go to war, pending that the findings were that the drug dealer was their father...and only time would tell.

The day my sweet Piper Marie was born, April 10, 2012, was a great day! She was 7 lbs, 10 oz, and 20.5 inches long.  Perfectly healthy baby girl! Seeing her miraculous birth (I got to cut her cord too!), and recognizing that we were now a family of 4, the chains of worry and stress and fear that had bound me for the last month suddenly disappeared.  I told Josh that I couldn't live in fear of drug dealer boy anymore (he had refused to return our lawyer's phone calls re: paternity test up to this point...which just fueled my fire of fear, doubt and worry).  So, I obtained his phone number, and I *ahem* called him from the hospital while the sweet nurses were cleaning my little P up after birth.

I'm pretty sure he was beyond freaked out to hear from me.  Good.  I like it that way. We had a lovely chat...truly, it was a good one. He explained that he was in no position to be a father, but that his dad left him when he was really young.  He just wanted to know, if they were his kids, that they were okay, and he wanted them to know that he loves them even though he couldn't take care of them.  Okay dude, that's fair.  But, let's be honest...get yourself to the testing center!  But, I still couldn't let my guard down completely.  I needed to know who their father was and put this to rest, once and for all!

We had to stay in the hospital 5 days with P because of her long-term exposure to narcotics in utero.  Thank God that He was faithful to protect her, and her withdrawals were minimal.  She has very little lasting effects from the exposure, and we KNOW it was because we begged God to protect her all those months that she was being exposed when we didn't even yet know who she was!

We took the kids for DNA testing 2 days after we left the hospital with P.  Several weeks passed before drug dealer boy gave his buccal swab sample. (I was just gonna say sample, but that has a whole other connotation, no?)  Maury declared that he was NOT the father...hallelujah!

B, who signed his rights away to Asher after birth, was the father of both kids.  And, he happily surrendered his rights to Piper.  Praise the Lord!  Once that was all done, I sat on the couch while both kids were sleeping and just wept.  Tears of relief that it was over, tears of joy, tears of thankfulness for God's provision, and tears for my stupidity that I thought he might not pull us through this time.  I really SHOULD know better by now.  But, like I said, I'm a slow learner and a fast forgetter.  This lesson has been a bit more permanent though...I won't quickly forget how he sustained me when I thought I would lose my mind, or how he protected our family from what could have been complete chaos and destruction. I will forever be thankful for that!

I know that seems like quite the anti-climactic ending for such a soap opera style story. But, believe me, we were beyond pleased at the outcome, and so thankful for how God protected us (and that the people I love...and who love me...kept me from doing something that I would really regret later).

Little P's story doesn't end there.  There is so much more to say, but I'm not sure how much to write just yet. God is still working, and I am so so thankful for that! We are beyond blessed to have 2 gorgeous (okay, I'm biased), healthy children!  And Asher is so entertaining these days, that I didn't seem to notice the lack of sleep as much this time around...I was too busy trying to make sure he didn't break something important...like his neck.

At the time I'm writing this, he is 19 months old, and she is 4 months old.  They are both beyond perfect. They are happy kiddos (most of the time), and they are truly our sunshine! I thank God for them every day!

I would love to post lots and lots of pictures, but I have decided not to do that anymore on my blog. I want to protect my children from as much as I can, but I have decided to keep my blog public so that others can read our story.  So, I will post pictures on my facebook page, where I can limit and control who sees them.  Thank you for understanding!