Riverbend Observations 2008

The Riverbend Stage with Bachman-Cummings band performing. In case you can't tell, it's floating on a barge on the river. Love it!

I should mention first and foremost that this is an ode to Randy Lambert's "observations" at the Maryville College athletic banquet every year. Josh picked out the title, so by nature it must be an ode to his former coach and athletic director. :)
Below is a list put together by Josh and myself after our experience at Riverbend this year...enjoy! (Check out the line-up...it was awesome! www.riverbendfestival.com) In case you do get offended, please get over it. That was not our intention. ;)

1. No one should be allowed to wear "short shorts." Especially not women over 50 who are also 50 pounds overweight and choose to bend over and pick something up without bending their knees. (How'd you like that picture? Probably about as much as we enjoyed it live and in person...in case you're wondering, it didn't look like she was wearing underwear.)
2. Just because ZZ Top is high when they're performing does not mean that everyone in the audience should also be smoking doobies...and definitely not blowing the smoke in my general vicinity.
3. Josh Turner is HOT! (okay, Josh didn't help with that one)
4. I appreciate the fact that many 14 year olds have C-cup boobs, but I do not want to see them practically hanging out of your top. Where are your parents?!?!
5. No matter how old you are, wearing a shirt that your boobs fall out of when you jump up and down means that you either a) need a bigger shirt or b) need a more supportive bra. It's a good investment, people!
6. "Fine! Keep walking bitch!" is not a very good way to get people to stop and buy corndogs from you.
7. If your folding chair has a weight limit of 225 pounds and you choose to sit in it anyway even though you are well over 300 pounds, please do not act surprised when it breaks and you end up on the ground. (Also do not be surprised if when this happens, you are drunk and are completely unable to get up without the help of 3 of your friends.)
8. When lightning is really far away and over the loud speaker they tell everyone that it is NO WHERE close to the stage, do not stampede out like a pack of wild horses. You probably parked 2 miles away like I did, and will get hit on your way to the car carrying your metal chair just as easily as you will sitting in your metal chair anyway. (And you would have missed Josh Turner...for the record, I opted to sit through the lightning, which, for the record, did not ever get closer than 5 miles to the venue. It was SOOOOO worth it!)
9. Please put on deodorant before coming out to be amongst a large number of people packed closely together in 90 degree heat. They will all really appreciate it.
10. Just because you are the lead singer in a band on one of the stages does not mean that you can actually sing. Yell maybe, but not so much for the singing.
11. You can sell anything "on a stick." Evidence: pork chop and biscuit on a stick, chicken and biscuit on a stick, etc. If they would just skewer a few green beans and an apple with it, we'd have a complete meal!
12. There is no need for profanity around small children. Just because you're a drunk moron does not make it okay.
13. Drunken 50 year old men flip a bird just like they used to in middle school. (Act like you're scratching your nose with your middle finger just in case you get caught...haha!)
14. Trying to talk the cops into taking off the handcuffs will not work, no matter how "good" you promise to be.
15. Dip-n-dots are soooo yummy! (I'm sure chicken on a stick is really good too, I just couldn't bring myself to try it.)
16. They actually have booths where you can get the newest Skoal and Redman products for free if you show your ID. I saw many rednecks go back repeatedly and come away with pocketfuls of the stuff...nasty!
17. Hand sanitizer dispensers in port-a-potties are just for looks...they don't actually contain any hand sanitizer.
18. If you park in a tow away zone, you will be towed. Parking on the side of the interstate, however, is completely allowable.
19. Just because your brother's "old lady" is pregnant (and smoking Marlboro's, for the record), does not mean that you "need" to stand in front of me.
20. If you have disgusting feet and are in need of a podiatrist, please do not wear flip-flops. Cover those suckers up!
21. If you sit in a "seated only" section, don't try to stand up. Keep your happy butt in your chair the entire time...even when the artist asks you to stand. Otherwise, security will come over and ask you to remain seated.
22. Ma'am, your 2 year old is crying because it's midnight and you're making her listen to ZZ Top too loud and way past her bedtime.
23. Mullets are still cool and prevalent in today's society.

That's all folks! If anyone has anything to add, I'll gladly add it. :) Have a good weekend!