Turtle Tales

So, we were on the way to church this morning, and for once we actually would have been on time. That's right, I said "would have been." We're driving down Bonny Oaks about 1/2 mile from church when traffic stops completely. We're about 4 cars back, and I can tell there hasn't been a wreck, but cars are stopped on both sides of the road. These people keep getting out of their car, bending down to do something, then running back...then repeat that sequence over and over. Did someone hit a dog?

Finally these people give up on whatever they were trying to do, get back in their car, and drive off. They were coming the other way, so people keep driving through on that side of the road. Meanwhile, we're still stopped. Clearly, whatever it is, it's in our lane of traffic. Then, another car stops (still coming from the other way), and a big burly guy gets out to walk over and see whatever it is that's in the road. (For the record, we were not in a place where I could easily get out of the car and walk up there, or I would have.) I see him bend down, and when he stands up I can see it. He has a GIANT snapping turtle by the tail, and he slings him over the guardrail into the creek below the road. I wanted to roll down my window and applaud, but Josh wouldn't let me.

For the record, had it been me in that front car, I would have ran over that sucker then backed over him again. Before you go gettin' your panties in a wad about "all God's creatures", let me explain...

When I was a kid, my parents bought my brother and I baby ducks for Easter. I named mine Beethoven. (Go ahead, call me a nerd...) He was the ugly one, so I wanted him. I gave all the others to my brother to name. When they got big enough, we turned them out on the pond, and would go down every night to feed them (you know, just in case their instincts didn't kick in or something).

One day when I came home from school, I went down to see Beethoven, and I noticed his cute little bottom in the air. How cute! He's foraging for food (or so I thought). But when he never came back up I realized something was terribly wrong. Turns out that he HAD, in fact, been foraging. What he found was a snapping turtle that bit his head off. INJUSTICE! I decided that this couldn't happen. Fortunately, my whole family agreed and made a sport of hunting snapping turtles that summer.

Our first night of turtle hunting, we (by "we" I mean me, my dad, my mom, my uncle Ned, and one of my friends...it was either Bobbi or Autumn...I can't remember which, but I bet they do!) all stood on the side of the pond and threw out catfish food. The unsuspecting turtles surfaced to eat it. As soon as they poked their little noses above the water, my dad was ready with the shotgun. BAM, BAM, BAM!!! And the turtle disappeared. My mom is screaming the whole time, "Shoot him again, Kenny, shoot him again! Oh! I hate guns! Shoot him again!" It was hysterical! :)

In about 30 seconds, we see this HUGE wake going toward the bank, and this giant turtle emerged. It's shell was close to 2 feet long. My dad walked up to it, and the turtle hissed at him. He noticed it had a bullet hole between it's eyes. However, that did not stop it from coming after him! So, he shot it point blank. And the thing kept coming. So, he shot it point blank...again. And it stopped crawling, but it was still hissing.

I don't remember if it was this same night or the next one, but at some point my Uncle Ned broke out the semi-automatic and peppered the water every time a turtle poked his nose up. All the while my mom was screaming, "Shoot it again! Oh! I hate guns! Shoot it again!"

All in all we killed almost 20 snapping turtles that summer. We didn't lose any more ducks. But you see, I have a history with the things, and I will run over one every chance I get. For the sake of all the baby duckies out there.

So, next time you see one on the road, don't stop. Just run it over...do it for the baby duckies. :)